Mood: Better
Song of Choice: “Here I am” by ???((some local band from Columbus)(The very simple Lyrics on bottom)
Topic: Trials

You know I read Peter said...he's got a good point...but I'm more of a dooer then a waiter...I've never had a well of patience. Why couldn't it be like this: God comes to you on eh...say 16-18 birthday whenever He deems you ready and then He goes "You will have to save the land of your birth! Take up arms and defeat something!" I don't know I mean look for me I want a clear cut line you live you get "happiness" not right away but you know sometime in your life, you die well hel you're dead but at least you got to try I don't know. I got a warriors spirit I was born in the wrong era...grrr...I shoulda been born some other time. ::Sigh:: Oh well maybe it's just that I haven't been sleeping well...to many dreams...

Well my friends how about another angle on the reality thing :)
From the Book of Games!!!

Unfortuneately we never know if we will find the one perfect person and even if we do the conditions may not be right. i think thats were the concept of faith comes in, the belief that we will find someone and that all the things before will be okay because then that person well be there for us to hold us when we cry not in an effort to get us to stop crying put for the sole purpose of letting them cry whats the purpose of giving the shoulder to lean on if the purpose is to silence the tears? let it all pour out and in the end that person will still be there holding you supporting you...

With all the things that life throws it is the other the helps pull you through..who lits the way and lifts the blinder from your eyes. while it may take some time to find this person the wait well be worth it so long as you don't take their luv for granted and cherish it always for in it could easily be taken away from you and thus should live up every happy moment for as long as you can hold hands whenever possible, look into the eyes of the other kiss whenever you damn well please. in terms of luv there has always been this concept of 50-50 and last year one of my teachers give his theory of the concept 90-10 well here's my concept 100-0, when you find this one perfect being you must give all of you even the parts of yourself you don't like be it either emotional intellectual or physical and they do the same they are yours and you are theirs...thiers to hold cherish love laugh when you stup your toe and to kiss it to make it feel better. this feeling is worth a wait it may not last forever however well at least the phsycial aspect as one may die before another but nothing physical can truly last forever but the essecne of what was and what is still there can never be taken away never be crushed or confined into a little box by reality.


Here I am
standing in the doorway to my den
wondering what's going to happen next!
Elvis is sinning,
he's trying distract me
from the coma I have fallen in!

tell me how do I say this?
Hid my heart
to what my eyes
had to see
so I never had to be me!

Tell me why
You never even tried
never even tried
to be me
so tell me why
you never even cried
never even tried
to be me

Here I am
Standing in the
he's trying distract me
from the coma I have fallen in
tell me how do I say this
Hid my heart
to what my eyes
had to see
so I never had to be me!

Tell me why
You never even tried
never even tried
to be me
so tell me why
you never even cried
never even tried
to be me
My Hearts broken

So I never had to be me
so tell me why
You never even tried
never even tried
to be me
so tell me why
you never even cried
never even tried
to be me
My Hearts broken!

Mood: Angry
Song of Choice: “Take it all” by Trust Company
Topic: Reality

I above all things hate reality. I mean that is truely the most disgusting thing to me. Reality gives us bondares, gives us limitations, holds us hostage. The greatest sin I can think of is giving into it.

Why the sudden burst of hate? Various reasons. What triggered this line of thinking? Jon mostly with his situation but other things too. I mean reality tells us what we can and can't do which is all well and good but I think authority and reality are two different things. I mean like what's the one thing people really want? To be happy right? I mean we all have our own definitions of happiness and we all measure it in different ways but we all measure it against the things that have gone wrong right? The things that make us sad right?

Well how come then since we've had our share of things go really really wrong how come happiness is so...unreachable sometimes? Is it a state of mind? Is is suppose to be hard to find? I mean so we can truley appreciate it? But doesn't...that make it all the harder to...believe in it? As a state of being I mean?

Okay the trigger was the convo with Jon hands down but what was the the bullet in the chamber? Fushigi Yuugi. Simple as that. Two instances in the series so far really I mean I could give you my favorite episodes but that's not the point right now. I mean okay Spoilers ahead so if you want to enjoy the series don't read this okay? Sorry but yes.

Okay in the series hands down my favorite character was Nuriko. Without contest. I really liked him because you know what I could relate. He was the glue that held that team together, he fought to keep them all safe and dude was rejected repeatedly and you know what he still kept fighting to keep the people around him happy to keep them safe. BUT GOD DAMN IT HE DIED IN MY FREAKIN SHOW! He died for the team, for his love, for the prietess! And you know what else in the last moments of his life do you know what he did? He dreamed of the one thing that would make him happy. And do you know what that was? To spend an afternoon with the woman he fell in love with in her world. That's it. Not riches, not eternal life, not fame...just to be with a girl on a date...a girl he didn't even have a chance with. Then later this happens with another character but I'm not in the mood to go there.

Now here's what got my fur to rise--why is it like that? Hmm that's a simple wish I think everyone has to just be with someone they car about to not be alone anymore to have someone to hold them and care about them and let them know hey you aen't alone anymore! I mean GOD IS THAT TRULEY THAT MUCH TO ASK?! I mean I know it's not suppose to be easy that woulsn't make it as valueable as it is...but...I mean don't you think that with all the things that go wrong in your life-death, disease, other things I can't think of because I'm kinda sparatic right now...I think it would be a little nice to know that hey no matter what you're gonna met someone perfect for you. Cause I think if you knew that you could weather anything...but that's about as certain as saying tomorrow it'll rain--from the ground.

I don't know I think I just picked the wrong anime to watch...too many memories about things that haven't exactly turned out the way they should have...grrr...I feel restless and angry I wanna fight or something...I need someone to come and spar with me...I need a bruise or something...something physical to take my mind off the emotional and mental messs ups. Of course the fact that I haven't slept in the last..4 days is probably just as big a factor as thinking too hard...I need rest I gotta take the SAT next month and I can't be tired from now...grr...I'm gonna go for a walk maybe I'll find Josh getting high or something so I can talk to him he always makes me feel a little better even if he is smoked out. Later People.

Mood:Spunky…and Creative which means lol this is gonna be a Visual Sanctuary Update
Song of Choice: “Poem” by Taproot
Topic: Kimu-san to the Rescue

::Kim Appears on the stool with slide show clicky thing in hand::

LOWER THE SCREEN

::screen comes down

LIGHTS

and the lights turn off and a slide show starts::

Okay Everyone I’m sure you’ve all heard about Ruiz’z problem with the ladies….some men would love to be in his position but hey he doesn’t ::shrugs shoulders pushes button a picture of a girl appears on the screen::

This is Megan…the…the…young heroine I guess ::pushes button::
This is Ruiz…he is…Ruiz Now in this comedy of errors called boy meets girl, socializing, and relationship building nothing ever seems to go right. I talked to Ruiz trying to offer him some aid the censored version of that conversation is up at ::pushes button link appears:: www.the_dark.blogspot.com

::screen goes away and lights turn back on::

Okay really there was no point to all that I just wanted to use my projector hehe…but my thing is—why is this all so hard? Why is it that things get so complicated so easily? Why can’t things like this be simple? I mean if they were people probably wouldn’t value them…but since they are so hard I think people kinda hide from them…

::gets off of soap box::

Of course I’m no better! I’m clueless as to what to do when professing love or being told that I’m an object of affection. I automatically go into denial which works just fine for me thank you…of course it makes me a hypocrite too but hell better to help someone else take down the wall then ask someone to help you melt the ice that incases your heart…that has a hidden meaning or to I think that I put there subconciously but hell you can’t have it all…

Um well you know what I leave you with this! This is…a poem maybe a song I’ve heard it both ways…the jazz verson(Angel Eyes-with Jlo) and the song version (The Moulin Rouge)…and it’s basically a lesson to help you break down the walls around your heart.

Nature Boy
by Eden Ahbez

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return”

Mood:Ponderous
Song of Choice: "Poem” by
Topic: Layouts, Christmas, anc Cloning

Yeah briefly on my layoug I plan to have a new one but post New Year-My thief site doubled in gallery size and now I must select which gallery to steal from exactly.

Christmas was good vey very good to me. My mom got me all of Fushigi Yuugi on DVD for about $100. and she got me X/1999 manga's 3-8 which made me very happy because in X the movie you don't truley know what's going on-I had a least the fortune of accidentally watching Toky. It was an ao Babylon so I knew the Subaru thing.It was an anime Christmas ^-^

But now! Okay every one has seen a movie or played a video game that involved clones and well it doesn't ever end well now does it! Okay tampering with the human being deal is never something I liked...because sure it can be good but...well you all know how it goes they question their creation if they have a soul what they beileve there's so many scenarios right? Maybe I've watched one movie too many played one game too many or read one manga too many and I've been brain washed and then well but check this sports fans.

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. — The world's first human clone, a 7-pound baby named Eve, was born Thursday, according to a chemist connected to a sect that believes life on Earth was created by extraterrestrials.

The 1-day-old girl was born by Caesarean section and will be home in three days, said Brigitte Boisselier, a chemist and CEO of Clonaid, the company that conducted the experiment. She said the baby was born at 11:55 a.m., but she wouldn't say where.

Other scientists expressed doubt that Clonaid could clone a human. And a federal official said the matter would be investigated to see if any laws were broken.

Boisselier said the baby, dubbed "Eve" by the scientists, is a clone of a 31-year-old American woman. The woman donated the DNA for the cloning process, had the resulting embryo implanted and then gestated the baby, Boisselier said. If confirmed, that would make the child an exact genetic duplicate of her mother -- the same as an identical twin.

Boisselier, who wouldn't reveal any names, said the mother had resorted to cloning because her husband was infertile.

"The baby is very healthy," she said. "The parents are happy. I hope that you remember them when you talk about this baby -- not like a monster, like some results of something that is disgusting."

Boisselier did not immediately present DNA evidence showing a genetic match between mother and daughter.

Michael Guillen, a former science editor at ABC-TV, told reporters at the news conference he was lining up "independent world-class experts" to perform DNA tests on the mother and baby. He said he was not being paid by Clonaid.

Boisselier said results would come within nine days.

"You can still go back to your office and treat me as a fraud," she said. "You have one week to do that."

Most scientists, already skeptical of Boisellier's ability to produce a human clone, will probably demand to know exactly how the DNA testing was done before they believe the announcement.

"We'll wait and see, I guess. I'm still a skeptic and I'm hoping that it's not true," said University of Georgia cloning expert Steve Stice.

Boisselier said she expects four more babies -- from North America, Europe and two from Asia -- to be born in a few weeks. Two of the couples are using preserved cells taken from their own children before their deaths, and one is a lesbian couple, she said.

The couples were not asked to pay for the procedures but some had invested in Clonaid, she said.

Boisselier said 20 more cloning attempts were planned for January.

Clonaid was founded in the Bahamas in 1997 by Claude Vorilhon, a former French journalist and leader of a group called the Raelians. Vorilhon and his followers claim aliens visiting him in the 1970s revealed they had created all life on Earth through genetic engineering.

Boisselier, who claims two chemistry degrees and previously was marketing director for a chemical company in France, identifies herself as a Raelian "bishop" and said Clonaid retains philosophical but not economic links to the Raelians. She is not a specialist in reproductive medicine.

Cloning produces a new individual using only one person's DNA. The process is technically difficult but conceptually simple. Scientists remove the genetic material from an unfertilized egg, then introduce new DNA from a cell of the animal to be cloned. Under the proper conditions, the egg begins dividing into new cells according to the instructions in the introduced DNA.

Legislation or guidelines to ban human cloning are pending in dozens of nations, including the United States. Several countries, including Britain, Israel, Japan and Germany, already have banned it. There is no specific law against it in the United States, but the Food and Drug Administration contends it must approve any human experiments in this country.

In Washington, a senior FDA official said Friday that the agency would probe whether any U.S. law was broken involving human experiments.

Boisselier would not say where Clonaid has been carrying out its experiments.

In Rome, fertility doctor Severino Antinori, who said weeks ago that a cloned baby boy would be born in January, dismissed Clonaid's claims and said the group has no scientific credibility.

So far scientists have succeeded in cloning sheep, mice, cows, pigs, goats and cats. Many scientists say cloning is too risky because of abnormalities seen in cloned animals.

Among the possible pitfalls are premature aging and other health problems.

"There's just not enough animal studies that have been completed to verify the safety of it," said Mark Westhusin, a professor at Texas A&M University who has cloned cattle and cats. He added that if the claim is genuine, "I think they're taking a big risk in terms of health hazards to the child."

Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep, born in 1996, developed arthritis at a relatively early age, but it is unclear if it is related to the cloning, one of her creators said earlier this year.

Last year, scientists in Massachusetts produced cloned human embryos with the intention of using them as a source of stem cells, but the embryos never grew bigger than six cells.

Dr. Robert Lanza of Advanced Cell Technology, the Massachusetts company, said before Boisselier's announcement that Clonaid has "no scientific credibility." But he and other experts do not entirely dismiss the possibility of success.

The 16-million-member Southern Baptist Convention condemned the announcement. The Vatican, which holds that life begins at conception, had no immediate comment but has condemned cloning in the past because extra embryos are destroyed in the process.

Nathan Diament, policy director for the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, was concerned that religious and political leaders would overreact to Friday's announcement. The group opposes cloning for human reproduction but supports using the technology to develop lifesaving medical therapies.

Does this bother anyone else? I mean the cause is good it's great I mean for people who can't have kids or that have lost children,but there are so many kids running around in third world countries that need homes and here they are tampering with something highly delacate...I'm not saying it's wrong...I'm just kinda wondering how this will all go. I don't know I don't like to look at it too hard because well I'm not them but...any opinions?

Mood:Lost...and Scared
Song of Choice: "Smoke” by Natile
Topic: Heart Vibes

I ache...my feelings...they ache...I don't know but...something is wrong...it came in on the wind a vision...something is off in the world. I feel confused...you know you don't grow and change unless you ask yourself questions...or others ask you questions. You don't know what you want until someone makes you think about it. That's the hardest thing in the world to do you know...to look into your own heart and see what's there...who you are...what you want...who you want...what you're looking for...and the hardest part of that is when you realize you'll be damned if you know the answers...I think you can't find them unless someone literally takes you by the hand and shows you...but then sometimes the person that does that is a very unexpected person. They don't want a thing from you they just want to help you...but people like me don't know what to do with that...we're use to getting hurt not being helped so what happens...we get scared and we push them away...fear dictates the actions of people like me...someone...someone raised in the dark being offered a flashlight but...but the light scares them...me...what does one do with this? Why are all the answers incased in this small object...why wasn't it here earlier...I can do without it why did it show up now...what's the point now...

::End Soul Searchers Entry::

Mood:Content
Song of Choice: "Smoke” by Natile
Topic: Walking the streets of Hinnesville Day 2

Yes...that was Friday I'm refereing to let me give you the long and the short.

We got out of school walked to BK. We (being Tiffani, Jonnell, Matt, Joel me and Josh) ordered but for some odd reason Tiffani's order took like freaking 10 minutes so instead of going and eating my food I just stayed up there with her so she wouldn't think I was angry with her because many times I get mad at a situation not a individual--it's weird.

Anyway Josh was happily smoking his...2nd cig. of the afternoon. Then I saw him digging in his wallet and he pulls out a $20. Then steps outside. Now my people call me suspicious call me untrusting but you can all bit me because I knew he went outside and bought like 4 or 5 joints (price runs from $4 to $5 each here) and then while we were eating him and Jonnell steped outside and well let me tell you this Jonnell hasn't had a bit of that stuff in 6th months and well she did on Friday. When she sat down in front of me she didn't look up at me and the first words outta my mouth were I forgive you.

She looked up at me eyes wide and confused and asked how did you know. I told her just becuase I don't talk or make a lot of noise or seem to be doing anything doesn't mean I don't know what's going on around me Jonnell. Later we started our walk to Post. On the way Josh smoked...I'm going to say three more cig. we went to the PX and then everyone met my mom (we found her and I introduced everyone--Josh was kinda jumpy) Later we went to the arcade and Josh and I played one game for an hour and we only put a dollar in it (CApCom vs SNK 2001 version rocks) everyone else spent like $5.

After a while Josh said he had to go to the Shopette(which is right next to the PX and Jonnell went with him and I stayed to let eveyone know where they had gone you know. well when we went to the Shopette they weren't in there...Tiffani figured out they were BEHIND the shopette...smokin' a joint. Now it's not the fact that they were getting high it was the fact that they lied to me was what made me angry.

Josh tried to hide it from me but hell you really can't the smell was terrible and so I started walking home not out of anger but because well we were all going home anywho you know. So Tiffani sweet thing that she can be runs to catch up with me and asks if I was angry. I lied and told her no I said that the smell made me sick and that I didn't want to throw up on the poor boy. So we walked and whatever and eventually made it to my house where we kinda crashed in the front for a while and then everyone splintered off.

Later (after talking to Geimer, Junior, Quita, and Jon) Tiffani, Joel, Jonnell, and I went to see the Ring (scary if you watch it with the right crew and if you are out at night and you're scared of the dark which after that we all were :) not SCARY scary just...unsettleing...makes you distrust you TV and phone much like the Mothman Prophecies which still scares me to think about) Joel loved it since he already saw it and we were screaming and crap and he got to play "big strong man" and take care of the scared senseless girls ahh well it made him feel good so whatever you know.

I also got a box from Peter!! KARE KANO MY PEOPLE!! That is like right up there with Kenshin and Angel Sanctuary on my list of Anime. I love the mix of like Manga, Animation and then random shots of the school. PLUS the 3 soundtracks! AND not to be ignored COFFEE CANDY!! And insence APPLE ORCHID ROCKS!! AND ear rings (which I got my 2nd holes pierced today so I could wear those but I can't were those for like um....3 months...hehe) ::glomps Peter::

ALSO I got a package from Geimer with 2 TOOL CDs a Junior Trillo Mix(which was SOO good) and above all letters!::glomps Junior and Geimer:: Geimer is in PR...they lost his luggage...again...damn them...at least he's safe and sound thank GOD! I was worrried sick...

Um oh my people if you can I'd like you to write a letter to a man named Dalton. He's a 19 year old soldier that's with my dad in Kuwait and he's kinda alone and without a family and whatever so my family kinda adopted him and the gang on this side of GA is writing letters and sending packages. All I'm asking is for you guys to just write an e-mail and I'll print and send it to him. don't mention the situation just be like hey we adopted you so what's up you know no need to dampen the letter you know just be friendly please ok?

Um that's it I think that's it ya...I love you all!! Happy Holidays My Friends!!! Be Happy! LOL I'm all happy with the packages I got hehe I'm just a big kid!

Mood: Happy
Song of Choice: “East Coast Anthem” by Good Charlotte
Topic: Walking the streets of Hinnesville

Today was really great. Took two finals and passed and then since it was half day we left at 11:30. So me, Jonnell, Tiffani, Joel, and Mat. Walked around trying to find a place to eat but everything was full. We found Josh on the way to Taco Bell( the absolute last place to eat.) He hadn't been to school in like a week. I was so happy I ran to him I was by far the fastest but I let Tiffani hug him first because...well because they seem close I guess. The entire time we were in Taco Bell Tiffani was obsene and load and I told her to settle but she wouldn't. Then we started the hour and a half long walk home.

It was okay I just liked being around Josh but Tiffani really started to get on my nerves because she kept bringing up Fargo a subject only she and Josh can discuss.The fact that she held his arm like a vice didn't help either. I kinda fell back once that got old I was sick of it. I mainly stared at the ground and thought. Josh is going up to Fargo tomorrow via the Greyhound...he may not come back. Tiffani visits there ever summer so to her it's no big deal but well that's not my case.

After a while Josh noticed I'd been quiet for most of the walk and fell back with me and we talked a bit. He was smoking his third cigarette and well at that point I was just happy he was alive and I got to see him before break so I didn't nag him. After about five minutes though Tiffani grabbed him again and I just strode foreward. I was a bit angry to say the least when Tiffani at full voiced yelled Josh was her new boyfriend(we'd spent a good portion of the afternoon chasing a boy she liked so she could give him a note). I guess Jonnell noticed because she came foreward with me. Now that I look at the day I kinda wish I had clung to Josh...but that's not my style...not with him. While Tiffani is load, rude, bearly dressed, and all over him. I was quiet reserved friendly when he did talk to me, fully dressed, and polite about contact a friendly shove here and there. I don't know how he took all that...I just don't see why it had to be that way.

It wasn't a bad day just ::sigh:: I'm sure you can understand...it wasn't jealousy I know that feeling well...it was...like that Staind song. You know like I was on the outside looking in on it all. I don't know

Tiffani then made plans for tomorrow and wanted Jonnell and I to stay out until 9 o'clock but I told her I wanted to be home before 4 because I know Geimer would call then. I didn't bother to explain who Geimer was but I did get this look from Josh when I said I was waiting for a boy to call. Then Tiffani got that whinny the world revolves around me do what I say voice and told me I could talk to him some other time. That fired me up there's no way I'd ditch Games so I went damn if you wanna go out take Josh with you. So he said sure to her..so they are going out on a date tomorrow to catch a movie...I couldn't have handeled it I know it now if I woulda said sure and Josh went I would not have been happy...a staright guy kinda ruins the chick lets go out and have fun deal.

I don't know why but Jonnel said no I'll stay at home. So yeah for whatever reason...they finally found our where I live...Jonnell was like Yes now I can take you to the PX with me...Tiffani didn't care she just said oh you live near the barrics you gettin any? and Josh was like ahhh now I may crawl to you bedroom window and watch you while you slumber and perhaps do obscene things. I didn't bother to look at him to see if he meant it the statement made me turn bright red. And that was my day my people...My feet ache...I walked like a few miles in boots...ouch...oh well...Josh made me happy his presence even if Tiffani stole his company such is life. So yeah that's me...that's about it...yeah..

Mood: Eh....
Song of Choice: “Your Mistake” by Sister Hazel
Topic: My Parents and Men of the East and West

I’ve just realized how little my parents know about me…and I can’t say it surprised me but I had more faith in them then that. I was on the phone with my dad who is in Kuwait and I started talking about Christmas gifts I’d gotten for the gang and of course the majority of the people were male. So he goes “you don’t have many girl friends” and I go
“…yeah I guess.” And he was like “why?” so I told him “I didn’t like girls that much” He dropped it and that was it.
Well then later today I lost my address book and when I found it I typed up the people in there and their address and my mom caught glance of it and she too notices my lack of female friends and comments.

Now you think that when for the last 4 years in terms of friends I been going Justin Josh Keith Trent Peter Michael Geimer Junior Steven Jonathan Joel and so on they woulda figured out Kim does not associate with many females…no duh…Jebus Crubst…anyway

Okay you know what the guys on this side of GA I hate! I am reevaluating my standards on the mail check list. Good looks was pretty high up there but you know what it’s going down here points to near bottom and intelligence ability to hold a conversation decency and respect all move up some.

So yesterday I reaped my revenge on Keith for his lack of at least treating me with some respect. I will not tell you people how but ahh the joys that come of making some one turn bright red.

Also yesterday I think I hurt a very good friend of mine because of my inability to take a complement…I called him but the conversation was a lot of silence and searching for the correct words. He’s such a private boy I swear. Has a 10 ft wall around his heart and doesn’t want to let anyone in. Then when I try he gets all quiet on me! I swear would it kill him to at least try to talk to me without worrying how it will come out? I mean he can always break down a broad statement. Then again I never know how to take half the stuff he says whether it should be like read into or not. I mean I didn't man to hurt him it's just what he said kinda blew my mind like there is no way in hell...oh well I'll talk to him today maybe...

Mood: Thoughtful
Song of Choice: "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls
Topic: Fire and Ice My Inferno

Now it takes a certain amount of motivation to write these blog entries somedays...that's probably why we've all slacked off and havn't updated in almost a week but as always I get my motivation from the forces that be are me. For all of you writers, readers, artist, dreamers I'm sure you've all heard of Robert Frost and been made to read a few of his poems well a friend of mine reminded me about a poem of his and really got me thinking on it. I was reading Dante's Inferno when he showed it to me and we started to talk.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

The gist? Would you rather burn or freeze? I started to think about it and well it came off to me in various lights and I want to know the opinion of the masses(you people being the important part of the masses so only you will be asked :) )
Um I took it as follow me here because I spent along time thinking so I over analyze probably but yes to me it served as a relationship thing.

Like you know the worlds ending(the crashing and burning of a relationship not necessarily a romantic one like a falling out with parents or a falling out with society) and fire (well this to me came off as in the first senario as well having a more violent romantic break up ending in a lot of hate, or perhaps with a family member yelling and arguing or lastly when society ridicules or hates you.) The valiant soul would want to go out like this--hell yes I want to fight the good fight before I die. now Ice( when people just ignore you, act like you don't exsist and see you as not really mattering) I think that after fighting the good fight and losing...you just want to be left along in your angush and grief and take your defeat in peace.

At least in my world that's how it came across people of the web ring of heaven and Hell! (all of our blogs seem to have that sort of theme if you look for it which I did in my analysis but yes) give me you ideas!

Mood: Amused
Song of Choice:"Real Folks Blues" from Cowboy Bebop
Topic: Cynical Women 2 : Real Women

Okay any women I believe has had one of those moments when they are at the checkout and they go 'why is that girl so skinny' and here it is the Seraphim version.

"The inspiration for this "Seraphim Check" was a news show about how fashion photographs of supermodels are digitally altered to create the perfect image. I was astounded. First the clothes are pinned, glued, and stapled so they actually fit over the girdles and padded bras used to perfect the model's figure. Then the images are sent to a special facility where inches are taken off of thighs and arms (to correct 'bad' camera angles, don't we all suffer from that?) and any wrinkles, crease lines or pregnancy stretch marks are erased. Super models are gorgeous people, and even they are not gorgeous enough 'au natural'. Does that mess with their minds? So in the end, it isn't enough that real women should look like super models - we're supposed to look like digitally enhanced super models. No wonder so many teenagers have poor self image perceptions and eating disorders.

There was a great deal of controversy regarding the "Angelic Body Attack". Yes, it was my idea. But don't worry, I use a body double. What was underneath the coat? The mass marketing machine that forces the perfect female image on society and makes half of it bow down before it, and the other half try to emulate it, was under the trench coat. The marketing machine that feeds the multi-billion dollar cosmetics, diet supplement, and cosmetic surgery industries. Trust me, even Asmodeus, the evil demon, didn't stand a chance against that. What chance then does the average person have against the media? The greatest irony is that it is all smoke and mirrors. The only people who fit the stereotypical image are 12 and the rest are digitally altered and erased. Whenever I think about it I can't help remembering Mike Teevee from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and all his atoms being blown apart and then reassembled elsewhere. I could afford to lose a few atoms in that kind of process."

Mood: Chuckle
Song of Choice:"I'm still here" by the Goo Goo Dolls
Topic: Cynical Women

First I heard this really good song that goes "without you I'm not right I;m not fine I wanna be rain that tastes like wine I wanna be good I wanna be great I wanna be everything exceot your mistake" so if some kind hearted soul could hunt down who sings that Thank you

Now cynical women. I'm one of them more than likely you people reading this are also cynical. Now one of my favorite cynical women is Seraphim from Megatokyo and well she posted this nice little rant and well I just love her equation and I think you guys will get a chuckle from it as well

And now Seraphim:

"Daaaannngggg, people. After reading the 'magazine model' thread in the forums, if ya'll think you are ever seeing me in person - you are INSANE.
Piro regularly gets emails asking if I really look like Seraphim. It is usually phrased 'is she REALLY that HOT?' Piro always says (and fully believes) that I am. You know what they say - love makes people blind. Personally, I feel that loves make people stupid. You say tomato, I say tahmahto. But frankly, I am not that hot and I am the first to admit it. We actually have discussions where I insist Piro must add some additional pounds to Seraphim. In my Camera Angles rant, I mentioned I could use some favorable camera angles.

I have always thought that beauty/handsomeness is a simple equation that depends on varying amounts of distance, lighting, and level of intoxication. It's a tale as old as time - "he saw her across a crowded room". The distance variable is obvious, what is implied is the fact that it is a dimly lit, smoky room and he's had a few. The equation is Further Darker Drunker = Better Looking. Or:

F ^ D ^ I ^ = BL. (^ =arrow up)

It's part chemistry and part physics. I used to have another factor in the equation but the math got too complicated. Everybody on the other side of the room always looks better. But get them in front of you in a well lit area while you are stone cold sober... Whoa, what were you thinking? "

Lol yes so so true...when you haven't slept in a WHILE I think that almost anyone looks attractive...except some people who...you'd have to be BLIND to find attractive. Then again you can only look for so long before you have to shut your eyes and when you listen that's when you really hear that boy the lights are on but no one is home if you catch my drift. ::Yawn: Okay I need to give some holiday information. Cat Lum you know that thing you told me to do I haven't done it yet becaus my mom won't let go of that God Damn little plastic card because she's using to do her own ordering....soon my friends but after she's finished sorry I'm nagging at full force. Um to all of you...x-mas presents maybe REALLY Late ::tries to pry plastic away from mother:: a for shipping and b for well...::look at mother:: yeah okay the only person that physically has a present is Junior hehe sorry you guys it was dumb luck. Everyone else's stuff is online and requires ::yank yank yank mom gets away:: DAMIT WOMEN! I gotta go now and nagg some more....

Mood: Hateful
Song of Choice:"Last Resort" by Papa Roach
Topic: Would I be wrong, would I be right?

As you can see in my little mood space my reigning emotion would be hateful. Now me being hateful almost always comes after being sad intensly sad. But let me start at the beginnin no?
(The following is an anime style representation of how my day went please note that all references to typical anime things are just that references and should not be taken seriously)
Went to the bus stop shivering in my little school girl uniform with Games the hedgehog in my pocket. I was wet, I was cold but fuck I was happy! I had a little glimmer of hope in my day for today that maybe today would be a really good day that some how by the grace of God I would have good things in store for me...no such luck.
The bus came and I hoped on and sat with Jonnell. She pulled out a note and was all like well here's what happened with Josh because you know you want to know(which I was curious) Read the freakin note...brief summary for you...Josh went to Jonnells house chilled there ate there adn then went to Melanie's. Now none of this bothers me when it's Jonnell. Jonnell has zero interest in Josh and he's like a brother to her and Melanie...well shoot no use getting messed up about that he practically lives there. Then kept reading and upon his return to Jonnell's house he stated that he had almost kissed Melanie...who goes out with Mayson.....Yeah School girl Kim gets stress mark right there on her head. she folds up the note and puts it away trying not to let it spoil the day. Games the hedgehog promply reads the note then eats it.
Gets to class teacher is insane but even if her nerves are fraided she tries to keep it together.
Finally Lunch rolls around.
School Girl Kim grabbs Jonnell and races outside into the bitter cold, wind and rain to see Keith. Well while Kim is sitting abround waiting for Keith. Jonnell hails Stacy and they get to talking and the words "yeah I really like Keith I have the biggest crush on him" Fall out of Stacy's mouth. Jonnell kinda goes ohhhh really boy you aren't the only one there are a lot of girls after Keith ::shoots glance at Kim:: Kim gets a tear on her head. Keith eventually comes out....and barely talks to Kim he mostly talks with his friends.
School girl Kim goes back to class very disappointed but let's add to the mix...She see's Josh in the hallway...with various females...Kim looks away deciding that such self imposed torture is not necessary. After that last class occurs and she's going to her locker...passes Keith says hi but gets no answer....Hedgehog jumps out of Kim's pocket and chases after the boy until Kim catches him and shakes her head no.
Finally Kim gets to her locker and is opening it feeling quiet emotionally drained and teased beyond reason. Turning over in her mind that perhaps Keith was only joking but it didn't seem that way the day before. Then Josh appears. Kim feels sick she doesn't even want to look at him she wished she'd never have to see him again. The gang waits for him as usual and then trot to the bus.
Then the last two words that Kim wanted to hear at that moment spilt from his lips "I'm coming home with you guys" Kim thinks great torture extended play...sure why not. So everyone gets on the bus and this blasted cheerleader in a mega short skirt sits with Josh and is basically all over him. Games the Hedgehog does his best to console Kim but she just picks him up and puts him back in her pocket.
Well Kim had taken her share of emotional abuse today and such a thing pushed her over the limit. She started to cry looking out over the grey bleak word with no color silent tears trickeled down her face.
Jonnell notices but believes it's better to leave her alone. Then Josh starts poking the back of Kim's hat. she endures it before snatching it off. His voice carries as clear as a bell to her ears and asks what's wrong. Kim wanted to yell at him to tell him that he needed to get out of her life to leave her alone that his presence there at that very moment made her furious it was like dangeling a canteen of water in front of a woman lost in the desert that she was sick of his nice one day ignore her the other attitude....Jonnel bless her answers for Kim 'She doesn't feel good and I think she's mad" With that they left her alone. When Kim got off the bus and she started walking home she stoped on a park bench and cried with her whole heart for 10 minutes. Then came home and started to write about the day she'd had....

Mood: Tense
Song of Choice:"Lose Yourself" by Eminem
Topic: Oh GOd

::Somewhere in the depths of the Sanctuary a Maiden prepares. ::
"Where's my shirt!!! Not the really nice one that I haven't worn yet you know in case he goes stupid and just ignores me today the semi-nice one! Found it!"
::Kim goes, shower and pretifies::
::Games the 3 inch tall hedgehog holds up the small mirror letting Kim take a look at herself::
Perfect great! I'm gonna be sick I have three very reliable sources that tell me that today is gonna suck...Oh well no use pining you know...Junior, Peter feel better sweethearts those kinda days are inevitable....as for me...oh Lord I better have Jonnell there to cry to...

::Setsuna walks in:: My don't we look especially pretty today who you going to impress?
::Kim turns bright red:: No one
Yeah right that's why the poor rodent is about to be crushed right?::points to Games::
GAMES!!::Kim runs over and saves him putting her into her school girl uniform pocket::
Oh you're taking him to school today? Something really must be up today!
I would bring you too but you aren't travel size But I gtg give you the details when I get back love you bye
::RACES out the door::

Mood: Shocked
Song of Choice:"Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray
Topic: Upside down

the world is a better place upside down...that's how I started today anyway and look what happened

A boy was in the process of asking me out today until his bus almost left him....It was Keith...yeah Keith Keith...see past entries...umm scared the hell outta me...I like him a lot and all

This morning I was talkin to Jonnell and I decided to lay off of Josh--and he decides to pay me attention today today was weird...very weird...

Let me copy paste the thing whole IM thing here since I've told the story like 3 times (Jonnell, Journal, Geimer) here:


Today Keith and I were together at lunch and it was MEGA widny and cold and so we were kinda cudeling to stay warm nothing obsece so don't let your mind wander just like a hug that didn't let go you know
he had one arm around Stacy which is like his sister and the other aound me
the one around me kep holding me closer and he never moved thehand on stacy
adn then we started to talk and he was like do you drink? I was like no smoke?no drugs?no
and then I was like and before you ask I don't have sex either he gets this surprised look on his face and goes you're a virgin and I nodded and I was like no I won't sleep with you and then ge kinda smiles and goes darn but I like virgins
and I was like why ::Insert bad joke and slap here:: and then he was like IT WAS A JOKE and I was like not funny!
and then today we were getting class rings you know and he and I were in line together and I let Kenya cut in front of me and Keith and I were just kinda standing next to one another and leaning and pokin and crap you know at one point he took my hand and kissed it and then kinda licked it and I pulled my hand back it was wierd and Kenya goes do you two go out? and I go no and she goes you two should you look cute together I think he likes you so Keith is looking down adn smiling and I go well do you and he goes maybe. then Keith and I started to talk about that I was like well would you ask me out and he goes would you say yes. and I told him I'd like to but I'd have to say no because it wouldn't be fair to youif I said yes and he goes what do you mean? Then I explained that I wasn't allowed to date or have a boyfriend
and he goes oh and then we got quiet and after a while I go what are you thinking and he goes just stuff
and I go is it perverted no then I want to know he goes then it's perverted so you don't want to know and then after about 10 minutes of asking he goes Well I was thinking about asking you out but you'll say no I think but I'm still tinking about it So then we kinda said our goodbyes cause he had to go get on his bus and he asked if I was going to be at school tomorrow cause he might ask me then or if not he reminded me of the fact that he knows where I live. I go to my locker and I hear a singing voice one of my favorite sining voice's Josh he's all like Hi and whatever and gives me a note and a hug and yeah and then he's like I'm commin home with you guys(Me and Jonnell which really mean I'm just going on your bus but I'm going to have Jonnell braid my hair so today he wants to fuckin pay me attention! and He was like Hey I saw you and Keith together earlier what was taht I was like nothing we were just talking and he was like that guy is such an idiot so yeah I didn't say anything SOOO...:takes breath: that's it

{here is some of Game's fabulous wisedom!}
Raziel says:
yes,man that is strange how so was the whole thing emtionally i know you don't like it when someone asks you out and especially when they compliment you so overall how do you feel?
Lost Maiden says:
I don't know!!!!!!
Lost Maiden says:
I wasn't mad at all!!
Lost Maiden says:
The boy complimented my bust size and kissed my hand saying if you got it flawnt it and I WASN"T MAD GEIMER WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME
Raziel says:
i have no idea usually if someone asks you out you'd promptly slap them
Lost Maiden says:
I KNOW
Lost Maiden says:
GEIMER
Raziel says:
yes
Lost Maiden says:
help me!!!!
Raziel says:
what exactly is it that needs to be helped....i mean yeah its a little strange that you didn't slap them and all but what exactly has you bothered about this?
Lost Maiden says:
I DON'T KNOW BUT IT BOTHERS ME
Raziel says:
i really wish i knew how to help you in the matter but i honestly don't know
Lost Maiden says:
I think I know what it is now
Lost Maiden says:
someone I like is showing interest in me that scares me! you know what happed last time!
I mean with his girlfriend/ fiance and all
Raziel says:
Keith is the one with the fiance am i correct
Lost Maiden says:
yeah use to she left him...via e-mail
Raziel says:
are you serious!!!
Raziel says:
poor guy
Lost Maiden says:
yeah....boy was a wreck...the next day he commited assult got arrested, got hit by a car and then a week later got suspended
Raziel says:
holy shit man
Lost Maiden says:
not his month
Raziel says:
i c
Lost Maiden says:
yeah soo help me!!
Raziel says:
you like him as a friend?
Lost Maiden says:
yeah a little more than taht actually
Raziel says:
i c
Lost Maiden says:
why did you ask that
Raziel says:
wondering if the feeling was mutual or not
Lost Maiden says:
uh huh
Raziel says:
what?
Lost Maiden says:
I don't khnow perhaps It hought the statmenet someone I like is showing interest in me that scares me! you know what happed last time!
summed that up
Raziel says:
yes i do he had a fiance and all...but she's out of the picture so what about this scares you...are you afraid of being the rebound girl
Lost Maiden says:
a little yeah and the plain out and out fact that he likes me
Lost Maiden says:
Geimer...he looks at me like Micheal use to
Raziel says:
ohhh that can't be good there...have you read Quita's blog yet? if not, you may wish to
Lost Maiden says:
I did that made the day even more shitty
Raziel says:
i thought it might have that effect....sorry you had such a shitty day and all...i wish i could be there to comfort you in all this
Lost Maiden says:
I mean it's good I'm happy but it's like wtf is up with men today I don't know what to do
Raziel says:
hwo do you mean with men today?
Lost Maiden says:
Josh Keith Doud what the hell!!
Raziel says:
thats what i thought
Lost Maiden says:
Geimer...I don't understand
Raziel says:
you don't understand their interest in you?
Lost Maiden says:
yeah!
Lost Maiden says:
what the hell how should I react to all this geimer!!
so thought comments tangents?
Raziel says:
in relation to keith if you see him as possibly something more than you should tell him as for what you will do if he should ask you out i don't know i guess the mandates of you parents still stands but its not like you can't see your male friends (am i wrong) outside of school and stuff. and if any thing esle should occur to me i'll write it in my next letter to you(ps: i'm never writing in pen a
again) as i do what i do when i ever a get a letter from you
Lost Maiden says:
oh lord actually they don't like me seeing boys outside of school
Raziel says:
well damn...at least your parents have not tried to kill you yet
Lost Maiden says:
might as well
Raziel says:
well there is always with room for change and hope of improvement but after the first time they try to set you on fire things are pretty much hopeless
Lost Maiden says:
He really scared me when he told me all that...
Raziel says:
you have quite the burden there...i wish i was more help
Lost Maiden says:
what do I do if he asks me out?
Raziel says:
tell him how you feel about him but remind him of that fact at this moment dating would not really work well seeing your parents won't let you date and all....i'd imagine this is destined to create some akwardness
Lost Maiden says:
yeah
Raziel says:
but why hold back on why you feel at least you'll have mutual affection
Lost Maiden says:
::hug:: kinda like us then huh friendly way
Raziel says:
yupe we care about each great lately and look now you haven't a chance in hell of getting rid of me
Lost Maiden says:
Thank god sent me sweet little hedgehog angel to watch over me
Raziel says:
remember my hair is no longer that of a hedgehog now its down and parts in the middle
Lost Maiden says:
really?
Lost Maiden says:
see why can't it be this easy with the others?
Raziel says:
because not everyone can be a compassionte pyscho
Lost Maiden says:
lol which reminds me of IAn notting ham and the witchblade

Mood: Sad
Song of Choice:" Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days
Topic: Aww crap...and Junior doing a bad job of trying to make me feel better

Okay friends let me tell you about yesterday evening and today. LET THE BITCHIGN BEGIN!!!! Okay not 5 minutes after yesterday's entry my bathroom went nuts and flooded the house. More over it went like this. I walk out of my room and I look at the ground and their was this instant of me realizing that the carpet was darker then some parts then others. Then I realized why. So I started yelling "Hey!" and no one would come for some reason the only thing that would come out was Hey and then my mom finally came when I was trying to shut off the water to the toliet. so I swear my mom like shoved me into the water in this insane attempt I guess to sacifice a virigin to the Porcelin God in hopes that that would calm it's fury. 4 hours later we had it cleaned up. Oh yeah Hell on earth...Another reason I hate water.

Now On to Today's Inferno! First the bus we had to ride a sub one cause ours broke down. then I got to school and was really pshyced up about seeing Josh again and he's not there.then after a day with no Josh thus making it very boring and non-intellegent I see him before 4thblock...with Melanie::Says Melanie like Peter use to say Mindy:: Melanie is a girl that he says is a lot like me but he's known her longer. Melanie is the girl he asked out and she said no and then said yes to Josh's best friend. Melanie has been dubbed the queen of rock and has almost all the boys of interest eating out of the palm of her hand. Melanie is a bad thing for me but I don't hate her.Then Josh is so high that he doesn't exactly talk to me the way he usually does so I just got kinda sad and mad and just frusterated with him so I just hugged him really tight and left.

To say the least I am FAR from happy today. Grrr...I need Prozac but I don't believe in medication for stuff like that...it's not healthy to be happy all the time cause then you're not really happy...I need Junior or Geimer comforting which is about the same thing as the Prozac. hehe man how pathetic I am...
::sigh:: I'm going to go read Interview with a Vampire again....I love Louis...he reminds me of myself

Today's Quotes from Interview with a Vampire
"I lived like a man who wanted to die but had no courage to do it himself."
~Louis p11
"Perople who cease to believe in God or goodnessaltogeher still believe in the devil. Evil is alwasy possible. And goodness is eternally difficult."
~Louis p13
"I refused to look at him to be spellbound by the sheer beauty of his appearance. "
~Louis p17
"Lestate whispered to me, his lipsmoving against my neck. I remember that teh movement of his lips raised the hair all over my body, sent a shock of sensation throught my body that was not unlike the pleasure of passion..."
~Louis p19
"How pathetic it is to describe those things which can't truly be described,"
~Louis p20
of the version Peter and I have

Mood: Happy
Song of Choice:" Drive" by Incubus
Topic: New Layout!

Hey people! How are you? I'm good I finally put up my Shampoo layout! Special thanks to Jun-kun! He helped me hunt down the pictures and get a color scheme (poor boy was working on like 3 hours of sleep) Arigato Gozaimasu! Okay now for those of you that don't know who this is this is Shampoo from Ranma 1/2 (another of Rumiko Takahashi's FINE publications) She is an Amazon from China. Um basically she shows up to kill female Ranma, but sadly male Ranma bests her in battle...kinda...it was an acident really. So now she must kill the female Ranma and make male Ranma her husband. She does everything I swear! She like shampoo's Ranma from Akane's memory, crawls into bed with him, calls him darling--she really tries hard, but ultimatley she's rejected (that's why I connect with her I know where she's been) BUT ALL IS NOT LOST!! If you scroll down to the bottom of my pictures you'll find her standing back to back with a boy with glasses! This is Mousse. She fell in love with Shampoo when he was like 3 and asked her to marry him but Amazon Law states (which by the way was written by Shampoo's great grand mother) she has to beat her in a fight to get her, sadly Mousse can't think of harming his beloved Shampoo...even though she kinda treats him badly...but that's cause he's 'weak'. But in anycase he saves her a load of times.

Anywho she's really cool and I like her. Plus her English (or shoould I say Japanese ) isn't that great so hey that's another thing we share lol. For more Ranma goodness hop on over to the website marked as the Wandering Lover . This is Junior's Website done this month in honor of my favorite Male Character from Ranma 1/2 RYOGA!! So yeach catch you guys later!